(Part 1)
“To illustrate the point further, Jesus told them this story: “A man had two sons. The younger son told his father, ‘I want my share of your estate now before you die.’ So his father agreed to divide his wealth between his sons. “A few days later this younger son packed all this belongings and moved to a distant land, and there he wasted all his money on wild living.”-Luke 15:11-13
As our children grow older, a fight for independence often emerges. We have already discussed, in an earlier column, the goal of parenting and that is to move our kids from dependence on us to complete dependence on God.
The reason, in retrospect, that the early years of parenting are less challenging is simple; because they are not grown, we can impose our will on them. However, as they journey into adulthood, we are no longer able to do that as they begin to develop thoughts, plans, expectations, and opinions of their own. They begin to push the boundaries trying to clarify what is them from what is you as a parent.
Parenting at this point has to shift. Modeling, training, and correction continue, but we have to begin to add a new component and that is releasing (empowering). However, that means that at times we will have to love and lead our kids through the consequences of their own poor decisions.
“About the time his money ran out, a great famine swept over the land, and he began to starve. He persuaded a local farmer to hire him, and the man sent him into his fields to feed the pigs. The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything.”-Luke 15:14-16
Like it or not, we cannot totally protect our kids from failure. In fact, if we want to see them mature we must give them room to fail. The amount of room we give is dependent on the age and maturity level of the child. The son, in this story, was an adult, so he was given a wider birth than a teenager or adolescent.
His father did not attempt to restrain him. Some may argue that by giving him his inheritance early that the father was enabling his son’s lifestyle. Enabling, however, is the behavior of protecting others from experiencing the full impact and consequences of their actions.
This, the father did not do. He released the inheritance, but he did not micro-manage his son’s life. The son squandered his entire portion of the inheritance and ended up as a hired hand feeding pigs, until one day he came to his senses:
“When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger! I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’
“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.”-Luke 15:17-21
It is obvious that the son learned a lot from his experience in the pig pen. He came to his senses. I know from personal experience, that I’ve learned far more from the consequences I had to endure from poor decisions than from those moments I was bailed out. Are we truly worried about our kids failing or are we worried more about feeling that we have failed as a parent? It is when we buy into the idea that our children’s poor choices are a reflection of poor parenting, that we will try and compensate for it by helping to make sure they don’t have to face all the consequences of their decisions.
It is brutal to watch your child experience the pig pen, but a person can only “come to their senses” when they realize that their own choices brought them to that point.
Pastor Scott Burr
Dayspring Community Church
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