(Part 1)
“And when the time came to give birth, Rebekah discovered that she did indeed have twins! The first one was very red at birth and covered with thick hair like a fur coat. So they named him Esau. Then the other twin was born with his hand grasping Esau’s heel. So they named him Jacob. Isaac was sixty years old when the twins were born. As the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter. He was an outdoorsman, but Jacob had a quiet temperament, preferring to stay at home. Isaac loved Esau because he enjoyed eating the wild game Esau brought home, but Rebekah loved Jacob.”-Genesis 25:24-28
The story of Jacob and Esau is a classic example of a dangerous pattern that can develop in a family, one to which a parent can be blind to, but is prominently seen by others living in the home and that is a tendency towards favoritism.
Favoritism is showing partiality for one person over another, even when they have equal claims. This can manifest itself in several ways: a parent favoring a biological child over a step child, a parent showing partiality to the child that is the same gender as they are, or a parent spending more time with a child that shares their mutual interests. Sometimes the demands of a child may cause other children to see a parent as showing favoritism (even though it is the furthest thing from their mind): newborn vs. older child, the imbalance of time needed to care for a special needs child, perhaps even when they are older and the time and energy invested into a child battling addiction.
As a parent we may not pick on on it, but a child will certainly recognize if our love, time, discipline, and resource is not equitably balanced between all our kids.
The Bible has several things to say about favoritism:
"But there will be glory and honor and peace from God for all who do good—for the Jew first and also for the Gentile. For God does not show favoritism.”-Romans 2:10-11
God does not show favoritism. It is not in His character to prefer one person over another or to show partiality. God is no respecter of person. He died for all of us, because He loves all of us. Favoritism is the antithesis of faith:
“My dear brothers and sisters, how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others?”-James 2:1
Author Beth Moore once said that faith and favoritism don’t mix. It is a trap that can ruin relationships and destroy families. It is a a habit that if not addressed can be passed down through generations:
“But his brothers hated Joseph because their father loved him more than the rest of them. They couldn’t say a kind word to him.”-Genesis 37:4
Do you know who Joseph’s father was? Jacob! Jacob favored Rachel over Leah and Joseph and Benjamin over his other sons. The favoritism was painfully obvious to the other brothers, you would think that it would have been evident to Jacob; seeing as he had experienced the ravages of favoritism himself.
If we do not combat favoritism we too can get caught up in the partiality trap. We can avoid the pitfalls of partiality by avoiding comparison (Why can’t you be more like your brother?), refusing to choose sides or act as judge, not pitting our kids in competition with one another as a means of gaining our affection, don’t expect one to “set the example” for the rest as it may leave them resentful for having to bear that burden, and don’t accommodate and punish all of them for one’s bad behavior.
Overcoming favoritism begins by being intentional regarding how we manage our love, time, discipline, and resources amongst our children.
Pastor Scott Burr
Dayspring Community Church
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