The Parenting Series: Working together to overcome favoritism (Pt.2)

(Part 2)

“Showing partiality is never good, yet some will do wrong for a mere piece of bread.”-Proverbs 28:21

As we touched on last week, partiality is a trap that can ruin relationships and destroy families. Let me throw you a curve ball, when it comes to favoritism in your home; something equally damaging as favoring one child over another and that’s favoring our kids over our marriage; specifically prioritizing their schedules and expectations over the needs of our spouse. 

Nothing causes me more pain than to hear married people say, “My kids are my life.” 

I certainly understand the sentiment, however the message that is being communicated is outright dangerous. You may not realize it, but the message received by your spouse and kids is loud and clear: “I love my kids, more than my spouse.” 

Do we allow our relationships with our spouses to suffer in order for our kids to have what they want? Do we strive to make certain that our kids can be in every activity their heart’s desire, regardless of how it affects our spouse’s happiness and security in our relationship? We are only given so many hours in a day. So we must steward that time wisely. If a disproportionate amount of time is given to our kids compared to that given to our spouses, that is going to be reflected in our homes and marriages. 

There is nothing that will estrange a child faster from a parent than the other parent openly favoring their kids over their spouse. It does not take long for kids to recognize and capitalize on that disparity.  They will gravitate toward the parent that gives them what they want. We need to manage our time so that our marriages are the priority and not our kids’ social lives. They need to see that as a couple we are united in our love for each other and that our marriage relationship is a priority in our home. Listen, if you tell your kids that you love them more than you tell your spouse, there is a problem.

Showing partiality is never good, especially if you are favoring your kids over your spouse. 

Pastor Scott Burr

Dayspring Community Church 

The Parenting Series: Working together to overcome favoritism (Pt.1)

(Part 1)

“And when the time came to give birth, Rebekah discovered that she did indeed have twins! The first one was very red at birth and covered with thick hair like a fur coat. So they named him Esau. Then the other twin was born with his hand grasping Esau’s heel. So they named him Jacob. Isaac was sixty years old when the twins were born. As the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter. He was an outdoorsman, but Jacob had a quiet temperament, preferring to stay at home. Isaac loved Esau because he enjoyed eating the wild game Esau brought home, but Rebekah loved Jacob.”-Genesis 25:24-28

The story of Jacob and Esau is a classic example of a dangerous pattern that can develop in a family, one to which a parent can be blind to, but is prominently seen by others living in the home and that is a tendency towards favoritism. 

Favoritism is showing partiality for one person over another, even when they have equal claims. This can manifest itself in several ways: a parent favoring a biological child over a step child, a parent showing partiality to the child that is the same gender as they are, or a parent spending more time with a child that shares their mutual interests. Sometimes the demands of a child may cause other children to see a parent as showing favoritism (even though it is the furthest thing from their mind): newborn vs. older child, the imbalance of time needed to care for a special needs child, perhaps even when they are older and the time and energy invested into a child battling addiction. 

As a parent we may not pick on on it, but a child will certainly recognize if our love, time, discipline, and resource is not equitably balanced between all our kids. 

The Bible has several things to say about favoritism:

"But there will be glory and honor and peace from God for all who do good—for the Jew first and also for the Gentile. For God does not show favoritism.”-Romans 2:10-11

God does not show favoritism. It is not in His character to prefer one person over another or to show partiality. God is no respecter of person. He died for all of us, because He loves all of us. Favoritism is the antithesis of faith:

“My dear brothers and sisters, how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others?”-James 2:1 

Author Beth Moore once said that faith and favoritism don’t mix. It is a trap that can ruin relationships and destroy families. It is a a habit that if not addressed can be passed down through generations:

“But his brothers hated Joseph because their father loved him more than the rest of them. They couldn’t say a kind word to him.”-Genesis 37:4

Do you know who Joseph’s father was? Jacob! Jacob favored Rachel over Leah and Joseph and Benjamin over his other sons. The favoritism was painfully obvious to the other brothers, you would think that it would have been evident to Jacob; seeing as he had experienced the ravages of favoritism himself. 

If we do not combat favoritism we too can get caught up in the partiality trap. We can avoid the pitfalls of partiality by avoiding comparison (Why can’t you be more like your brother?), refusing to choose sides or act as judge, not pitting our kids in competition with one another as a means of gaining our affection, don’t expect one to “set the example” for the rest as it may leave them resentful for having to bear that burden, and don’t accommodate and punish all of them for one’s bad behavior. 

Overcoming favoritism begins by being intentional regarding how we manage our love, time, discipline, and resources amongst our children.

Pastor Scott Burr

Dayspring Community Church

The Parenting Series: Godly Correction (Pt.3)

(Part 3 of 3)

“Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.”-Proverbs 22:6

Keeping kids on the right path begins with consistency in the life of each parent. It’s hard to correct your kids for doing things that they see you hear and do regularly. We must first model the behavior we desire to see in our kids before we have an expectation for them to live up to a standard that we ourselves are not living. It is also helpful if we remain consistent in what we correct and the intensity that we use to correct it. If you discipline a child for being 10 minutes late for curfew this time, be certain that they get the disciplined for it the next time. If you give a weeks grounding this time, don’t make it 12 weeks the next time simply because you are angry. Consistency is a powerful tool.

Another powerful tool is mercy. Use mercy as the stage to put the ball in your child’s court for next time. So if your child is 10 minutes late, let them know that they were wrong without imposing discipline. They get mercy for their first offense. However, let them know that the next time they are late it will be an automatic one week grounding. The ball is now in their court. You can remind them of it on their way out the door, but there is no discussion about it when they walk in the door late the next time. 

Above all, stay calm! This has been a problem for me in the past. I always felt like I needed to get “passionate” so they would realize how serious I was about it. My wife was good at seeing this coming and have me go count to 1,000 before talking to the kids. There is certainly a place for passion, but perhaps we need to take a page out of Jesus’ playbook. Think about how many times Jesus showed mercy, in comparison to turning over tables!

Finally, don’t undercut each other in front of your kids. If a discipline is meted out by your spouse when you are at home, seems harsh to you once you hear about it, discuss it in private. If you agree to shorten or lessen the discipline then the parent that initiated the correction can go back and make the adjustments. Here is why: As soon as your kids see that you are they softy, they will run to you every time they don’t like the correction they have been given. This will only create division in your home and a divided house cannot stand. 

Just remember that to discipline in love is to correct, to discipline in anger is to punish, and the goal of discipline is Godly character. 

Pastor Scott Burr

Dayspring Community Church

The Parenting Series: Godly Correction (Pt.2)

(Part 2)

“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”-Colossians 3:21

Is the goal of discipline, in your mind, simply to punish wrongdoing or is the goal of discipline to impart wisdom that corrects character? The answer to that will determine your approach to discipline. 

I was reading an article recently that discussed four danger areas that may indicate that we are gravitating towards a “discipline to punish” attitude:

-Continuous Shouting 
-Shaming
-Over-generalizing
-Over-reacting 

Any of these done in anger can cause a child to become discouraged and embittered towards us. Discipline that is motivated improperly can cause a child to emotionally separate themselves from that parent; thus hindering that parent from being able train that child in the ways of righteousness. 

It is good for families to evaluate and discuss discipline in their homes on a regular basis. Here are some points to consider:

1. Husbands and wives must be in agreement to the method (spanking, time-outs, grounding) that will be used. This is especially true for blended families and step-parents. There should be no double standards when it comes to blended families. After agreeing upon the method, both of you should have the authority to exercise it within your home. This should be communicated often to each other and the children. 

2. As kids grow up the method of discipline must change along with them. What corrected bad behavior at age 5 won’t necessarily work at age 17. At some point you must move from making them stand in the corner to doing extra chores or revoking privileges (cell phone/wifi). Don’t be afraid to change it up to find what works. 

3. Realize that each kid is different and utilize a discipline appropriate to correct the behavior. Do not fall into the trap, as many have, of believing that we have to discipline all of our kids the same way. People, especially your kids, will complain that to give out differing disciplines isn’t fair. However, is it fair that one of your kids does not develop godly character simply because you refused to discipline them in a way different from your other children? What is the problem if all your kids are disciplined in different ways? Stop obsessing over the method. Focus on the goal of discipline and that is creating godly character. If little Sally has been put in the corner 1,000 times for something, perhaps it’s time to find a new method, because “the corner” isn’t correcting anything. 

You should, however, certainly be fair. Be fair in that they each receive discipline for the same offenses, but that does not require that the discipline for each must be the same. If two of your kids are punching each other, both should get disciplined for punching, but each one may need a different method of correction. We can shortchange the character development in our kids by simply choosing to use the same method of discipline with each child, even though it may not be correcting anything. 

Pastor Scott Burr
Dayspring Community Church