Concealers, Dealers, & Squealers (Pt. 2)

Married Life Series

“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your had to do so.”-Proverbs 3:27

When it comes to any relationship, especially our marriages, we must become conscientious of developing a dealer mentality. We are not talking about individuals involved in trafficking narcotics. The spouses I am referring to are more like hostage takers. Hostage takers are individuals who will withhold something from their spouse in order to manipulate a situation to their benefit. 

Withholding is typically motivated by two goals: to inflict punishment the other person or to gain the upper hand in a difficult situation or discussion. It is nothing less than strategic manipulation that can manifest in several ways.

One thing that a spouse can withhold in a marriage is communication. Many of us refer to this as the silent treatment. The silent treatment is the act or behavior of withholding communication from our spouse. This method of hostage taking is employed to communicate dissatisfaction with or to punish the individual being ignored. It is a controlling behavior, placing the person doing the withholding, in control over all aspects of the relationship. The relationship will only move forward at their pace following their terms. 

Withholding affection is also another way a spouse can take a relationship hostage. Sex can and is often used as a weapon or a bargaining chip in order to obtain a desired outcome. The Apostle Paul warned against this in 1 Corinthians 7:4-5:

“The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive on another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Again, when done with malice, this behavior can be destructive to both husband and wife and leave the other vulnerable to temptation. 

Another way that spouses attempt to exercise control in their relationship involves cutting off finances. There is a famous quote that reads: “He who holds the purse strings, rules the house, the nation, the world.” This may be well known, but it certainly isn’t biblical. By withholding resources from our spouse we are demonstrating an absolute lack of faith in God:

“But if anyone doe snot provide for his own, and especially for those of his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”-1 Timothy 5:8

Finally, one of the most devastating things that a spouse can withhold from the other is forgiveness! To withhold forgiveness is to hold a debt against another person. This is contrary to Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 6:14-15:

“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

How can we withhold forgiveness from others, when we ourselves have been forgiven so much? 

In every one of these scenarios, there is the potential for manipulation. Because of this we must stay vigilant. When we bargain and deal with other’s emotions, resources, and affections in order to get something we want we are dangerously close to committing spiritual prostitution! 

Pastor Scott Burr

Dayspring Community Church

Concealers, Dealers, & Squealers (Pt.1)

Married Life Series

“If you are filled with light, with no dark corners, then your whole life will be radiant, as though a floodlight were filling you with light.”-Luke 11:36 NLT

Today we want to begin a study about three personalities that can shipwreck a marriage-concealers, dealers, and squealers. When one of these identities emerges in a marriage, you can be certain that the path to a healthy vibrant marriage is going to be plagued with obstacles.

As you read the next several week’s columns, there are going to be some of you that begin diagnosing people you know. However, these are not designed to highlight the already biased flaws we perceive in our others, they are intended to act as a spotlight on our own souls; exposing any dark area that would become a potential barrier to the health of our marriage. The health of our marriage, actually any relationship for that matter, begins with ourselves. It begins by asking God to show us our sin, our shortcomings, and our weaknesses; the dark parts in our hearts:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.”-Psalm 139:23-24

Our goal is to expose some of these dangerous tendencies that can potentially cripple your relationships. It is important to consider each of these, because the capacity for any of these personalities lies within each of us.

Let’s begin by looking at concealers. No relationship is going to flourish if one or both spouses develop a tendency to conceal the truth. Concealing truth is just a fancy way of packaging a lie. Lying destroys trust! Every relationship, especially a marriage, is built on mutual trust. When a person is caught in a lie, trust quickly erodes, hurting both people in the process. Whether it is keeping secrets or telling a little white lie; lying destroys one of the pillars of a healthy relationship-trust.

So why do people lie? Men and women lie to protect themselves. Many are even convinced that lying is in the interest of the person they are deceiving. Where do lies begin? Lying begins when a person is ashamed of the truth. For many, it is easier to lie than to face confrontation. Other times, being untruthful signals insecurity, perhaps with oneself or within a relationship. Often, we attempt to convince ourselves that we are the only person the lie is hurting, or that it’s only this one time, however that one lie leads to another, then to another to cover it up.

God has some pretty strong words to speak concerning lying:

Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who deal truthfully are His delight.”-Proverbs 12:22.
God is a God of truth, righteousness, and holiness; whereas lying is rooted in deception. Where God is the originator of truth, Satan is the father of lies (John 8:44). So when we lie, we speak the devil’s language; which totally cuts against the grain of God’s Word:

“Therefore, put away lying, ‘Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.”-Ephesians 4:25.

And in case that isn’t clear enough for you:

“Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds.”

Blatant deception, white lies, half-truths, withholding informations, and breaking promises all destroy truth in a relationship and diminish a person’s integrity. Jesus said it best in Matthew 5:37, “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’ and your ‘No’, ‘No”. For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.”


Pastor Scott Burr
Dayspring Community Church

What are you saying about your marriage? (Pt. 3)

Married Life Series

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things.”-Philippians 4:8

Who is consuming your time, your thought life, and your energy? We are only given so much of each, so we must spend it wisely. Are we investing our time, thoughts, and energy into our spouse and marriage or are we entertaining or filling that space with others?

Proverbs 23:7 declares, “For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.”

When we give attention to someone, other than our spouse, we cannot control how they are going to receive or reciprocate that attention. They could internalize it and develop a crush or unhealthy hidden desire for you or they could simply receive it and respond in kind. However they choose to manage the attention, one thing is for certain, there is a chance they could perceive the attention your are affording them as something of value. This attention can lead them to believe that they are significant to you while also communicating an instability and vulnerability in your marriage. This is a dangerous combination in the hands of someone who has no respect for the sanctity of marriage-yours in particular.

Married people must be extremely diligent and mindful to whom they are giving their attention, especially in a work environment where they may work in close proximity to a member of the opposite sex for extended periods of time. It is not uncommon for men and women to develop what are known as work spouses. Work spouses are those individuals we invite a little deeper into our lives, especially areas in which we are struggling; like our marriages. We count them as friends or confidants, however, they are occupying, in part; a space God created solely for your spouse.

Who you give your attention to says a lot about what and who you value!

When it comes to the health and vitality of our marriage relationships, we must be careful about what we are saying about our marriages: verbally, non-verbally, and by who we give our attention. Are we projecting to others that we are committed to our spouse and happy in our marriage?

At the end of the day, the people that surround my life should know that I am married, I love my spouse, and I am committed to my marriage. There should be no confusion that there is no room in my heart, mind, and time for a relationship that would compromise or take away from my marriage!

Pastor Scott Burr
Dayspring Community Church

What are you saying about your marriage? (Pt.2)

(Married Life Series)

“A worthless person, a wicked man, is one who walks with a perverse (corrupt, vulgar) mouth. Who winks with his eyes (in mockery), who shuffles his fee (to signal), who points with his fingers (to give subversive instruction); who perversely in his heart plots trouble and evil continually; who spreads discord and strife.”-Proverbs 6:12-14 (AMP)

This passage is cautioning us to pay attention to people’s body language. Their words may be communicating one message, but their actions and body language are telling a different story. In many cases, what they are saying without words is a better indication of their true intentions than what is proceeding from their mouths. 

Body language is a language that is seen and not heard. Like verbal communication it relays a message; however, at times, that message does not seem to line up with what is being expressed verbally. This creates duplicity in our message, something James 3:10-12 cautions us to avoid:

“Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same spring? Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh.”

We can be sending a very mixed message to people when we claim to be happily married but our body language toward our spouse is sending an entirely different message. 

Another important point is that what we fail to speak says a lot about what we value. Spend time with people and listen to what they talk about. Things like sports, trucks, kids, work, and church. What they spend time discussing provides valuable feedback about what they value. However, what they fail to mention can also be construed, by others, to be something they value very little. 

Can people tell by looking at your phone or looking at your Facebook page that you are happily married? Or is your page plastered with only pictures of yourself, your hobbies or your kids? What you project can communicate to others what they perceive your priorities to be.

Some people will argue, “Well, at least I’m not sitting around talking ugly about my spouse!” They subscribe to the line of thought made familiar by the little rabbit Thumper in the movie Bambi: “If you can’t say nothing nice, don’t say nothing at all.” However, this can be just as detrimental. If you never speak of your spouse, either in a general sense or in a way that is edifying, you may be communicating to others that your spouse isn’t very important to you. 

If we are going to send the right message we must heed Philippians 2:3:

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambitions or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.”

This type of esteem is not expressed merely with words, but also through our actions and body language; they must all work in conjunction for the proper edification of our spouse. 

Pastor Scott Burr

Dayspring Community Church

What are you saying about your marriage? (Pt.1)

(Married Life Series)

When a couple gets married there is a part of the ceremony that involves the exchanging of rings. These little bands of silver or gold serve as visible evidence that the couple has entered into a covenant relationship before God and with one another. 

A ring placed on the third finger of the left hand indicates that you are no longer a single, unmarried person. The ring’s placement declares that you are now in a covenant relationship. 

However, the ring does not hold any type of magical powers to ward off people who pose a potential threat to the sanctity of your marriage. There was once a time, in generations past, that the wedding ring’s presence seemed to have carried a stronger moral significance than it does today, but it certainly did not eliminate inappropriate relationships from taking place; that is because the presence of the wedding band is not necessarily to communicate to others that you are in a covenant relationship, but more accurately it is to serve as a daily reminder to you of the vows and commitments you made before God and your spouse. 

The problem with a ring is that it can be removed or concealed, they can be lost, become too small, and in many workplaces they are not allowed to be worn for safety reasons. So, if that tiny reminder is not there around your finger, how in the world will people know that you are married?

So, today we want to speak about the importance of projecting in your marriage. Projecting is to present or promote a particular view or image. If we were to ask people you work with, your family, or closest friends to describe for us their perspective of your level of satisfaction in your marriage or the level of satisfaction you have with your spouse; what would they say? What are you saying about your marriage? Sometimes we are saying a lot more than we think we are!

Diamond rings and wedding bands can communicate that you are in a marriage relationship, but only you can communicate the level of commitment you have to that marriage and you can be certain of three things: what you speak says a lot, what you fail to speak says a lot, and what and who you give your attention to says a lot. 

What if the life or death of your marriage depended upon what you said about it? 

“Life and death are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”-Proverbs 18:11

What you have to say about your marriage can have a tremendous influence over your satisfaction level and commitment to your marriage. Words are like seeds being sown in a field. The seed you sow determines the harvest you get:

“Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or else make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for a tree is know by its fruit. Brood of vipers! How can you , being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings for evil things.”-Matthew 12:33-35

Not only is a tree known by it’s fruit, so is a marriage! The fruitfulness of our marriage is seen in our words! So, how do we increase our satisfaction level and communicate our commitment? By heeding Ephesians 4:29:

“Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.”

Pastor Scott Burr

Dayspring Community Church

Can you break through? (Married Life Series Pt.2)

(Married Life Series Pt. 2)

“For the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” - Galatians 5:14

The characteristic of being selfless is one of the most important traits any Christian can possess. It’s so significant that Jesus said it is the second most important of all God’s commandments next to loving God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. 

This type of selfless expression is far more than just verbal platitudes; such as a little “I love you” spoken to your spouse before bed. Rather it is s demonstration of honor:

“Be kindly and affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another.”-Romans 12: 10

Truly selfless actions are deliberate. They are executed to demonstrate and give preference to another person. The goal is to esteem others greater than ourselves:

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”-Philippians 2: 3-4

Jesus had much to say about selflessness during His earthly ministry. In the Sermon on the Mount, He goes beyond what some may think of as being selflessness. It would be great if selflessness were as simple as helping a friend, going the extra mile at work or caring for an ill child. However, Jesus extends selflessness far beyond normal expectations to loving our enemies and praying for our persecutors. Jesus taught that it’s easy to love a friend or a spouse, even unbelievers do that; but a Christian is expected to love the unlovable, because this is how we become more like Jesus! 

As with everything Jesus taught, he also modeled selflessness:

“Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men.”-Philippians 2:5-7

As followers of Christ, Paul challenges us to have this same mindset. Jesus came not for His own benefit, but for ours. He came to minister to us and die for us. Humanly speaking, Jesus gave up His will for God’s will and that is the very heart of the matter. 

Selflessness runs counter to human nature, which is why being selfless is so much more difficult than being selfish. It’s natural to care about ourselves, and we are encouraged to think selfishly from all sides. However, the Christian husband or wife must daily heed the words of the Apostle Paul:

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I know live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”-Galatians 2:20. 

No believer, young or old, married or single, can live a selfless life without a constant abiding in the Lord Jesus Christ, for it is only through Him that our attitudes can be changed and molded toward unselfish behavior. 

Some of you today need to break through the selfishness barrier you have created in your marriage. You need to repent and then commit yourself to serving the Lord, by serving your spouse. 

Pastor Scott Burr

Dayspring Community Church

Can you break through? (Married Life Series)

(Married Life Series Pt. 1)

“But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female. For this reason man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. And the two will become one flesh; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.”-Mark 10:6-9

Since the dawn of time mankind has been faced with many barriers. It was believed men could only go so fast, until we broke the sound barrier. It was believed that men could only go so far, until we put men on the moon. Breaking barriers has been a hall mark of the human spirit.

Barriers are obstacles intended to prevent movement, progress or access. Barriers can be good if they protect us from something that is harmful or dangerous, however they can be severely limiting if they keep us from reaching our potential; especially in something as important as our marriages.

Today we want to focus on the biggest barrier between you and a growing, healthy marriage. The greatest obstacle is not an issue of communication, finances, in-laws, or infidelity. The greatest threat to marriage is selfishness!

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?”-James 4:1

As much as we hate to admit it; one characteristic that we all share is that we each possess an inclination towards selfishness. Disagreements and fights emerge within our relationships because either one or both of us is self-seeking. Quarrels arise from these selfish desires that wage war inside of us; disrupting the unity in your relationship.

“For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.”-James 3:16.

Some of you are thinking, “Well, that’s not me! I give and give and give; but it doesn’t make any difference!” Giving, however, is not an indication of selflessness! Giving can actually be a selfish act. If I give of my time, rights, or finances in order to appease or gain favor with another person, then my giving is not purely selfless! This doesn’t mean it was not done out of deceit, however it is not a selfless gesture. This is “giving to get” and the moment that I begin to expect reciprocation; it is no longer considered selfless.

So if giving more is not the answer to selfishness, how do we break through the selfishness barrier? The key is serving! Serving is about releasing not relinquishing. When I serve my spouse I am releasing my time, rights, talents and resources out of a divine love for Christ with no expectation of reward from them; because I know that I am gaining favor with God. We see this in Ephesians 5:22&25:
“Wives submit to your husbands, as to the Lord” & “Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

There are no “ifs”! Wives are not instructed to demonstrate respect only if their husbands love them and husbands are not instructed to love sacrificially only if their wives respect and honor them. It is mutual submission. It is a demonstration of divine obedience in which our actions are not intended to illicit a response from our spouse, but when lived out,with a right heart, they will bring honor to our God.


Pastor Scott Burr
Dayspring Community Church